I have spent the last month walking, biking and maybe one or two times running.  I am learning not to feel obligated to run as I have spent the last 8 years doing so.  I like walking and in fact, do it more than I was running. Same distance just slower and my son James comes with me so that makes it even better.  I have no races to train for which isn’t to say that next year I won’t run one or maybe a few, it just means no races right now.  I think I needed this break from running and weight lifting both mentally and physically.  I’m still eating Keto style which I’m pretty sure is how the weight has dropped a little bit given the lower intensity of fitness workouts.  I haven’t been to the gym since my son went back to school at the beginning of the month and before that, it was before summer that I last went.  I look forward to walking and I think better when I’m not all out of breath.  I use the time to pray and work out what I am doing on an upcoming day.  I’m reading about some new stuff and finding that fascinating and invigorating since the last 8 years I’ve spent trying to find my value in life.  I’m better inside and out and just so much happier.  Things are good and letting go of thinking about running like it was a requirement for happiness has been a healthy change.  I don’t think it’s gone from my life for good, just for now until I figure out where it will take me next.

Sometimes when you make a decision it just feels like the right one through and through.  I wrote last time about shifting my focus from myself and my physical fitness needs to serve a greater purpose.  Now I don’t mean I’m giving up fitness, however, I’m not stressing out every day about what I’ll be doing.  Do something every day and that will be good enough.  Every day I now read a biblical inspiration and say thanks for all I have.  Every week I tune into The Well’s replay of their service and I really try to understand how I can perpetuate goodness through the word to others.  Now I’m not a sidewalk Holy roller nor am I a “shove it down your throat” kind of person.  I don’t get all preachy and I don’t judge you but if you struggle I might offer you simple advice that might help.  Don’t worry I’m not going to drag you to church.  I believe in sharing my faith when applicable openly and honestly where it’s needed.  That is all.  Like it or don’t, I don’t really care.  It’s always been me but I’ve never shared that with anyone.  Anyway, I bought myself a bible since I don’t have one and some bookmarkers and a special highlighter to mark off what I feel is important.  I feel happy to have these things.  I feel happy that I decided to buy them and I am happy most of all for being introduced to people who made me take a look at myself and realize I had a gap inside.  It feels right, this decision all the way through me.  I found my mission and it stems from Psalm 106:1  Praise the Lord.  Give thanks to the Lord for he is good.  His love is never-ending.    I memorized that.   In short, my goal every day is this:  Live in Gratitude, Walk by Faith.  Period.

Now as for my workout, I think a run is in order since it’s not so HOT out today.  I always feel better after a run and I am able to run without issue.  I am very fortunate!

I’m 50 and for the last eight and a half years I have focused every day on fitness.  It has consumed every moment of my days.  I have not worked out every day but I have thought about it every day.  I should be ridiculously skinny with the amount of energy I spend trying to figure out how to be a  better fitter me.  Now I am a person of faith.  I believe in Jesus and God and they have an importance in my life that I try to keep with me. I am not as faithful as I should be and definitely someone who needs forgiveness on the days I have forgotten to not let things get the best of me.  Recently I have stopped daily to give thought through an app to a bible passage to try and spend at least a moment every day thinking about how I can apply it on that day.  I have been touched by the faith of others that I have met and how openly devout they are.  Everything stems from their faith, drives their every action and interaction and they share it whenever they can.  It’s made me wonder if I can’t be more faithful and try harder.  It’s made me try to be above anger and hurt that I’ve felt recently to try to be above that reaction and look at it from another angle.  In a way, it’s made me stick up for myself and have the strength to not let things go that I have been too afraid to address.  I’ve been consumed with running away from many things but I’m in a place that feels like my focus needs to change.  I need to stay on fitness by working out several days a week and eating right but I feel it’s time to switch the balance of how much time I spend being a better Christian.  Feels like a crossroads but time will tell if it’s time to let go of anger and hurt and start healing from the inside out letting the Lord guide me.  I’m not sure how but I guess I’ll find out one day at a time learning as I go. Worrying less about what doesn’t matter and more on truly important things.

So I think I have been doing well on this Keto diet.  I thought I figured out that I need more than 20 carbs and 1200 calories.  I upped both and felt good about that.  I can pretty much stay at or under everything other than protein which is always almost always doubled based on what I am choosing to eat to do so.  I am diligent, not perfect and although I have gotten very lazy in the fitness department with weight lifting and also running, I try hard every day.   I did lose a few pounds when I upped my calories and carbs so I thought I was on the right track.  I count just about everything, drink a lot of water and am doing intermittent fasting for 14-16 hours every day.  Again, trying hard.  Since the initial few pounds just a week ago I have wondered based on all the reading I’ve done lately, just how far into Ketosis I am.  I’m not losing like I imagined that I would in ketosis so I thought I would check my levels out with a set of ketostix.  I bought those today.

Well, disappointed is not a good word to describe the let down I felt waiting for that stick to change from white to purple… it never did.  I showed trace amounts of ketones in my urine which is better than none but WHAT THE HECK!  I feel like I put in more effort than trace but ok, my carbs are up to 50 so maybe my body is just more of a pain in the butt to figure out than I anticipated.  I could give up at this moment but I’m not a quitter, just impatient.  Getting to Ketosis can take a week to a couple of months which I have not invested in my current effort level at figuring out my recipe for ketosis.  I am at trace amounts and just upped my carbs and calories both.  So, my plan now is to lower carbs to 20-25 preferably and keep my calories up around 2000 and see if that affects the color of that ketostix strip next week.  I want to get to the moderate to a large level.  Diligence is the name of the game and constantly reworking what you’re doing and how to get to where you want to be.  Unfortunately, it’s trial and error until you figure it out.  I consider it a massive pain in my butt, but I’m willing to keep trying and reading until I get there.

So here we go again with another month of testing and tweaking and improvement.  I know I’ll get there if I just keep trying.

This week I’ve thought a LOT about the days when I was in serious mental trouble.  Back then I was suicidal, depressed and I spent my time running all the time and sometimes twice in a day.  I ate coffee, water, and salad for 6 months and pretty much counted every minute to get through the days.  Back then something happened to me that I now know to be Ketosis, but didn’t know then.  All the fat from my legs and other parts of my body had disappeared.  My kids told me I was disappearing but all I saw in the mirror was a fat person. I was not well mentally or physically.  Through reading more about the Keto diet, being in Ketosis, listening to Leanne Vogel’s podcasts and being part of online Facebook groups dedicated to the lifestyle, I have learned that I accidentally (and through poor means and process) was fat adapted.  My body actually ate all the fat it had stored because I was starving it.  I was never hungry, even when I went 4 days at one point without food.  I had the energy to run miles and miles and in fact, was running faster at that point.

I remember what my thigh felt like without fat and I remember thinking how amazing it felt to feel nothing but muscle.  That part of having no fat on me is something I’d like to experience again, but the rest of that very unhealthy lifestyle I’ll pass on.  It’s more important to me that I am now happy and positive and living a very good and healthy life.  If I don’t lose another pound I won’t cry because my mental state is just very good.  I am going to try to get back to that the right way this time.  I want to feel my leg muscle without a fat barrier and run my hands over my body and feel nothing but power and hard work.  If you’ve never experienced it, go pet a horse.  Seriously, running your hand over a horse with all his powerful muscles just under his skin is exactly the feeling when you learn to burn fat from your body.  I remember it and now that the memory has connected my past to my future goals, I’m driven more than ever to keep working hard every day.

I started fasting as you may know two days ago.  I currently go 16 hours without food which includes the overnight hours which make it easier.  If I can make this my daily routine, I want to up my fasting hours from 16 to 17 then 18 which means I will no longer eat breakfast and consume all 2000 calories between lunch and dinner.  I’m interested to see what my food threshold is before becoming ravenous.  Today I started eating at 9:30 which was 16 hours from my 5:30 dinner conclusion last night.  My belly was rumbling but I think I could have gone for another hour before needing food.  Tomorrow I’m going to try 17 hours and see how it goes.  Wish me luck!

So I think I figured out that for me personally, I need more calories and carbs if I want my body to lose weight.  Last week I moved my carbs up to 50 from 25 and my calories up from 1200 to 2000 and have gone from 175 to 170 in just a week.  Now I KNOW that weight is all relative to water retention, time of the month, etc, however, I don’t think it’s a coincidence.  My newest endeavor in figuring out what works is intermittent fasting which I started today.  I go 16 hours without eating which means no 6am breakfast but it was fine today.  I was hungry for sure by 9:30 when I could break the fast (except for am coffee I eat nothing until I break my fast).  The welcomed hunger pangs before the fast break, mean that my body is in need of food and because I’ve not given it any, it will start using my fat to fill its need.  THAT is exactly what I want and exactly what I’m training my body to do so that I become what Leanne Vogel calls “Fat Adapted”.  The funky part of this new process which I want to try to do every day is that I don’t lower my calories for the day, I just eat more frequently and stop after dinner until the next day.  I feel like this is a good path for me and I’m excited to try it out for a week.  I’ll still work out every day but I’m not upset at easier workouts like I have been.  I would beat myself up mentally for not going hard every day or not lifting weights 3 times a week.  I feel like I have hurdled a major stumbling block and now I’ll pick up steam on getting those last 20 pounds off to my goal weight of 150.  It’s been frustrating for the last 7 months going up and down the scale without what I would consider progress.  I measured and weighed myself today to have a real starting place to work from.  Now the work begins on getting good at tweaking what I’m doing to get to where I want to be!

We are at the 7-month mark watching macros.  I’ve been high, I’ve been low, I’ve fluctuated them throughout the week.  I’ve coordinated them with workouts, I’ve changed my calorie counts numerous times.  I have pretty much put in a valiant effort at trying to figure out this Keto diet thing I’m working on.  I read a bunch but not a ton, I ask questions and purchase apps to help me count things.  At this point, I have begun putting a gut back on and now I need to step it up to get smarter and not have to work out like a 20-year-old man.  I THINK this is happening because I dropped my carbs to 20per day.  Everyone does it so why not me?  Well in the 4 weeks that I’ve been at 20 I have put on belly weight.  I don’t think it’s a coincidence at all.  I think my body is storing up fat because it thinks I’m starving it.  This won’t work for me so it’s battle time!

I found an author who is a Keto expert and who has made that lifestyle her full-time job.  Her name is Leanne Vogel and she is the author of several books about Keto.  She actually explains Keto at its very basic level for people like me who don’t really comprehend how to do it.  She writes a lot of her books for women and gears it toward healing.  What she writes makes sense to me because I have some of the symptoms that she describes Keto can heal like Hypothyroidism, acne and some others.  If I can understand this at its basic level, then I can master it.  I’m going to get this come hell or high water!

Sometimes you need to seek help to achieve success. I think I’m at the point where I need to devote more time to researching and reading beyond a few posts or an article or two.  I need to find the few knowlegenarians (reference from the movie Logan) to apprentice myself to anonymously and absorb what they offer to better myself.  I feel like I’ve got a good beginning but I need to understand how to read my body and understand what it needs to be able to craft an eating and workout plan that works together.  Something that will benefit me from the inside out for years to come without struggling every damn day counting macros and calories and weighing myself weekly or spending hours in the gym.  I want to have a casual yet powerful plan for myself and I think this is the road for me.

Life is just one big learning experience after another and we must be open to its lessons to benefit from its wisdom.

I hate this weather!  Yesterday in my house it was 93 and in the one room with a portable AC, it was like 86.  I did not spend my time in there because it feels like a prison.  Thankfully I tolerate heat moderately well with a fan and no movement so I spent my day doing exactly that and watching new movies.  By the end of the day, I was done with being hot and I was happy to go into the AC for a mildly good night sleep albeit not great.  Anyway, this weather makes me not want to go to the gym because everyone and their brother will be there which is not fun.  I don’t even want to move.   The best I can do right now is ride my bike here at the house, run if it’s cooler or I take a walk.

Eating in the summer is awful for me because I don’t want to move but I still like eating.  Fruit on Keto is not good but in 100 degrees all I want is fruit.  Keeping hydrated when you’re hot naturally includes water but when you see a slab of Watermelon sitting in your fridge, before you know it you’ve horked it down like a slob!  It tastes oh so good but there go 40 carbs with ONE THING when you only get 20 for the day!  Grapes are out of the question too not to mention the 12 carbs I consumed with the Nectarine I ate after dinner and well then there was the 92 carb S’mores Blizzard from DQ (that was just my half) that I shared with my husband because it’s just so hot.  so in those three snacks alone, I ate 144 carbs which is AN ENTIRE WEEK’S ALLOTMENT!  Fuck You Summer!  So let us look at this clearly.  My workouts are fewer, my eating has hit Summer mode which all adds up to why my gut is getting bigger and the scale and I are no longer talking.  So not happy.  I have to get myself under control.  I’m headed in the opposite direction of my “50-year-old, in the greatest shape of my life” that I had set for myself.  UGG I’m so disappointed in myself, to say the least.  Today is a new day and no better time to start over than today.

It seems that since I was already doing accidental Keto in part that I must step it up a notch to get rid of the 20# to get to my goal weight.  I must be more vigilant to stay at least at 20 Net Carbs for the day rather than losing traction at night which is my worst time of the day for staying on track.  I see all these people in the groups I follow losing crazy weight and doing no exercise.  I do at least something 4-6 days a week, eat far fewer carbs now than I was doing a few months ago and still my weight does NOT move outside of the 5lb flux I am stuck in!  Today I am just so frustrated with being stuck.  I don’t want to give up everything like the Splenda in my coffee every day.  I think life is short and I should enjoy it without feeling like a prisoner to my diet.  Why is this not working for me?  Is it me?  I can tell you that I am NOT interested in going crazy weight lifting.  I’m older and things hurt regularly not to mention I get far more tired from a hard workout now than I ever did.  I am 50 and will never look like the picture in my head which is ok but I feel like I could look better.  I guess I’ll have a “One day at a time and patience” sandwich for lunch, please.

My Vacation was a killer and I don’t mean in a good way.  Don’t get me wrong, I had a great vacation but I had no workouts for a week so it killed my momentum! Not one workout in a week.  I guess every once in a while that is a good thing to completely rest your body but what it does to your motivation to workout is terrible!  I’m now convincing myself to workout as in run/bike or walk only.  All these things are good but I need to get back to weight training.  I know how important it is to stay strong and running, biking and walking ain’t going to get me there sister!  I have no desire to go to the gym because the weather is just too nice to be inside with the masses there.  I’m just finding it hard to get back on track.  I was so motivated to hit and be in the best shape of my life but that dissipated to not being completely out of shape.  NOT where I want to be at all!  Part of me is afraid to start weights again because of the chest pain issue.  Those episodes went away when I stopped weight lifting although I had 2 while on vacation so it can’t be entirely due to weights, still, I am hesitant to pick them up again.  This is probably why I switch gears every day to just run, bike or walk.  The big question is how do I build strength while not overdoing it?  Can you strengthen and tone with just bodyweight?  I guess the only way to find that out is to do SOMETHING over my nothing of late.  So there is my current conundrum to which I need to find a solution.  It feels more challenging than it probably is