It’s kind of funny to be figuring out who my friends really are this late in life but I am.  I guess I’m figuring out what characteristics the friends I want to keep really possess is more like it.

I’ve spent my entire life trying to make other people happy.  Like many people, probably ladies mostly, I have spent an exhausting amount of time saying things just the right way so they don’t get mad or offended, doing what they wanted, not getting mad if they canceled plans, being super happy and not complaining about my life and other such nonsensical behaviors.  These days I have taken to thinking about what I  want every day and IF I want my friends to join me I invite them.  Interestingly I also get invited without being the one to have to reach out and say “hey how are YOU?  What are YOU doing?  When can WE get together?”  I mean it always seems to be me me me that shoulders all the responsibility for the friendship and only on their terms.  This does not include all my friends but seriously there are just some over my life that have taken way too much of my time trying to be friends with.

Something happened just the other day that has stuck with me like glue.  I was having an electronic conversation with someone I’ve known electronically for about 6 months.  We were chatting and they mentioned going away for a couples weekend.  I composed a rather lengthy reply to them explaining why I wouldn’t be able to do something like that as my relationship with my husband doesn’t include stuff of the romantic nature for the most part.  I started listing and justifying the reasons why it wouldn’t happen and then making sure they knew that I was ok with the”why” and that my life as it is, was, is and will always be my choice.  After writing all of what ended up as very unnecessary responses, it still did not seem like enough of a justification that would make my old friend models happy.

Then I got their reply and it stunned me because I wasn’t prepared for it.  It was kind of like when you threaten to run away as a 5-year-old and your parent says “go ahead” or “good luck”.  I was stumped and really pleased with what they offered to me instead, for a response.  Their (her, just for the record) response did not include buying into my explanation nor feeling sorry for me or wondering why I live in circumstances where I am accepting of what I believed they thought was “less than the happiness they had” (which really isn’t accurate anyway).  The simple reply they offered was one of mere acceptance of me, knowing that I was ok with my reasoning and mentioning that they couldn’t wait to spend time with me soon.  Their focus in their life happens to be on a good and strong marriage and life long commitment, not whether or not you do weekend getaways.  This is a very weird situation for me but why haven’t I been here before now?   I was prepared for more justification and some emotional diatribe and discussion that just didn’t need to happen because they are ok with ME and my life the way it is.  I was prepared to make excuses and get sympathy that I was going to thwart but that also didn’t happen.  Hmmm, I guess friends accept friends for their relationship decisions and circumstances (barring danger) and that’s just that.  I felt weirdly supported and much better about my life choices and didn’t feel like I had to be on the defensive.  Maybe life really starts when you’re 50 or maybe you just stop worrying about everyone else and start living what most likely is your best life.  Maybe both.